The glistening head of Tom Colicchio shines once again. Tonight’s episode of the new Las Vegas season of Top Chef debuts with a comforting predictability and gives meaning to my boring, irreality-soaked life. Hey! Wanna play a rousing, premier party drinking game to share with TC enthusiasts? Before the show starts, create your own cast of characters using classic TC archetypes, like the Token Gay Bear (Ash Fulk—his name already sounds like some kind of sex act, perhaps Ass Fuck?), Tattoed Chick (Jennifer Zavela, understudy is Jesse Sandlin) and of course, the Plot Wrench (last year’s power lesbian couple is this season’s Brothers Voltaggio, otherwise known as the Abercrombie Duo). Everytime a classic TC archetype manifests itself, a shot of amaretto topped with a coffee foam for you!
Top Chef Cast
Let’s run down the cast, shall we?
Eve Aronoff: The Idiot. Shocked and appalled that she didn’t get kicked off tonight for her “I’m complexly simple, yet untalented” dish.
Jennifer Zavala: The Biggest Loser. I won’t waste my time with this one, cuz she gone. At least her early departure saves me a season of holding my ears and wincing. Seitan = this season’s ostrich egg.
Eli Kirshtein: The Loveable Jew. I dig his style, but his dish looked a hot mess. Deconstructed = a hot mess, by the way.
Ron Duprant: Amistad, or The Rambling Haitian. Oh my, this guy has the potential to make the whole season for me. What in holy hell was he talking about? Super surprised he won his group.
Michael Isabella: Ouch, I Singed My Eyebrows. I already hate this misogynist ass but am prepared to have him be in the running for a long time. I guess he can cook, but more importantly the producers will never let this season’s Foul-Mouthed Gumba go. He makes Ratings Risotto.
Preeti Mistry: Andro-Girl I. Umm, the names this season are classic. Preeti Mistry sounds like Pretty Mystery, which is pretty much what I think when I look at her. Man or woman, man or woman?
Laurine Wickett: Boring Chick. Although anyone who makes bacon for dessert has to be OK.
Robin Leventhal: Old Lady. She makes me not want to watch TC on the HD channel.
Kevin Gillespie: Yukon Cornelius. Please tell me people remember Yukon Cornelius from the Rudolph movie. Google it.
Mattin Noblia: Oh Man, Why Are You Always Wearing a Red Scarf? I need time to let this fester and a better nickname will come. But for right now, I am slobberin’ at this juicy bone the casting directors have thrown us.
Jesse Sandlin: Alterna-Girl. Dry chicken is a bitch, happens to me all the time. That’s why I’m not on Top Chef.
Jennifer Carroll: Balls Out Chick. All I can say is please don’t pull a Casey and fuck it all up.
Hector Santiago: HECTOR! This guy needs no nickname. He is HECTOR! His bio picture on bravotv.com is frightening as hell.
Ashley Merriman: Andro-Girl II. As scary as Hector with just as many testicles.
Ash Fulk: Ass Fuck. Tom Colicchio’s gay bear eye candy for the season. It’s in his contract.
Brian Voltaggio: What say we settle this in the kitchen?
Michael Voltaggio: Are you challenging me to a cook-off?
Oh, Snap!
Padma’s weird scar and Valium-induced slur are back, as are Gail’s beefy arms. Plus, enough Vegas-themed metaphors to make you cringe. (Vegas Strip Steak dish? Wedding chapel catering? Dishes inspired by poker cards/hands? I almost guarantee I can predict these elimination challanges.)
It’s going to be a great season.
Agree, agree, agree!!! With all your hi-larious observations! Save one– Jennifer is in no way this year’s Casey!!!! She is an overbearing, over competive, Tom Colicchio-kissing, probable raging alcoholic, Eric Ripert cooking ass kisser and I DO NOT like her at all!!!! My vote for Top chef winner this year is Yukon Cornelius!! If you give up a full ride to M.I.T., you better be a damn good chef and at least win $100,000, furnished by the Glad family of products
MORE PLEASE!!! The last episode of TC with its double elimination doesn’t deserve a Lemon Press entry???? So many annoying/wonderful things? Do you think that Michael of “The Competitive Brothers” and raging alcoholic, smirky Jen will get together after their nauseating pairing…”No words were needed between me and Michael in the kitchen”. Gag! Or Ashley and stupid annoying Mattin who messed up the freakin’ French cuisine challange…you should have your red bandana scarf stripped from you, Mattin! You are a disgrace to all things French! And I think he actually giggled at one point! Robin driving Ron nuts, or at least that’s what I think Ron was trying to say!! Get on this, Trish…get started dishing!