The Lemon Press

2. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I have cavities almost every time I go to the dentist. I have had one root canal. I especially love Now N’ Laters, Smarties, Skittles and lollipops. Oh my god – and popsicles. And Nerds. And Dove chocolate.

3. Most people annoy me. I would say 70%. (Not you, though.)

4. I miss college and New York everyday.

5. I could eat goat cheese and beets all day, every day.

6. The word “healthful” really irks me. When wold you ever need to use this word instead of “healthy”? It sounds stupid and it shouldn’t exist.

7. I am constantly over analyzing everything from a weird, social-deconstructionst point of view. Like, why am I sitting at a desk all day long in a row of cubicles? Is this really natural? How is it that the Snuggie/ShamWow is something our society has come to value? Why does everyone on a bus/train ignore each other? Stuff like that. It’s exhausting…

8. I am the laziest person I know.

9. I could spend three hours in Sephora and be completely happy.

10. When I was a baby, I fell into the pool during a summer vacation and my dad jumped in to save me.

11. If I weren’t such a coward, I would find a way to get paid for writing.

12. My cure for a hangover is McDonalds and Gatorade.

13. I am perpetually bummed that I can’t travel more.

14. I eavesdrop. A lot.

15. At any given moment, I would much rather be in pajamas.

16. I have been in two car accidents where the vehicle was totaled. I was the driver in one of them.

17. If you were to diagnose me with any mental disorder, it would probably be generalized anxiety disorder. I do not handle stress well. Simple things stress me out, like knowing I will be late or not being able to find a shoe.

18. I will never play Teas Hold ‘Em ever again.

19. I talk to myself a lot. More than anyone really knows.

18. I like to do dishes. I think its calming. Doing laundry sucks.

19. I think its the funniest thing ever when bad ass mofos do normal stuff, like ordering at McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts or asking for help at a store. They still act like they are the shit even when they are asking for a dozen Munchkins. “Yo, can i git a dozen of da glazed?”

20. I really hate tweens. I think the Jonas Brothers are ridiculous and Miley Cyrus is the devil. They are slowly contributing to the degradation of our entire society.

21. Right now, I would like to have an threesome with Obama and Kate Winslet. They are both so fabulous.

22. I would really love to find a way onto SNL. I am way funnier than that Casey Wilson bitch.

23. When I was younger, I used to collect Got Milk? ads and Absolut Voldka ads like crazy. I would paste them into spiral notebooks. I filled two 5-subject notebooks full of torn-out magazine ads.

24. I would rather be in 110 degree weather than -10 degree weather. Winter gives me rage.

25. I love smells. Greatest attraction for me comes from breathing in a guy’s smell. Like, subtle hints of his soap/deoderant. Not heavy cologne, just the way their skin smells up close.

1.) Irish breakfast tea

2.) Scrambled eggs with lots of butter and salt and pepper

3.) Going shopping for shampoo and sniffing at all the bottles

4.) Picking goop out of my cat’s eye

5.) Sleeping during an afternoon rainstorm

6.) The smell of a caprese salad

7.) Collecting books

8.) Being right and proving someone wrong

9.) The smell of my own feet

10.) Q-tips

11.) Checking facebook and stalking people

12.) Getting rose-scented tobacco in a hookah

13.) Nuzzling my cat’s belly

14.) Mixed tapes

15.) Cat videos on YouTube

1.) People who don’t use Q-tips

2.) Squirrels

3.) Kanye West

4.) Excessive use of Twitter to promote shit

4.) Anyone who has ever been on Fox News

5.) Yellow toenails

6.) Car commercials

7.) the Nokia cell phone ring

8.) Incompetents

9.) People who are high up in a niche community who act like they deserve ass-kissing outside that niche

10.) Awkward teens

11.) Hyper-sexual people

12.) Attention seekers with low self-esteem

13.) People with bad breath who deny they have bad breath

Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards

The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield

The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff

Netherland by Joseph O’Neill

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan

Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

Hear Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger